> 'Virtual woman' to woo computer
> ROME - Casanovas will be able to hone seduction skills on their
> computer screens next week when a ``virtual woman,'' a kind of
> electronic playmate who responds to attention like a real woman, goes on
> the market.
> Peruzzo Informatica, the Italian multimedia company marketing the
> device, described it as a ``Tamagotchi for adults'' after the Japanese
> virtual pet that became a worldwide fad.
> Unlike the Tamagotchi, Rachel the virtual woman lives on a computer
> screen. Peruzzo described her as ``incredibly charming, passionate,
Rachel, say her programmers, will "be just like a woman in every detail, except for the fact that you can't bone
her." "We realize this as a serious impediment," says Marco Machismo, head programmer for CD Hos Inc., "but
the user may feel free to whack off at anytime all over their keyboard."
A beta testers of the new program in the US noticed a definite technical glitch, however. Says Burt Fillander of
Lubbock TX, "damn, that bitch, damn her to hell. She just sits there and watches you get angry and swipe at her,
knowing full well that she can't be hurt by you. She sits there and taunts you and berates you and questions
everything you have to say, protected by the glass of the monitor she sits behind, pontificating at you at how much
of a 'wanker' you are." Burt, worked up at the interview, grabbed a vase and smashed it against his own skull.
"She's always telling me to do stuff. I turn on my computer and there she is yelling at me to get off my ass and
do something with myself. She's always denying me any kind of access to my games until I finish what she tells
me to do." Burt, stopping for a second, looks over his shoulder. "Christ, that fucking bitch tells me things even
when the PC is off. I can't get her outta my head," he whispers in confidence to this reporter. "I tried to erase her,
but she made me cut off my own balls."
Burt, distraught yet determined, drops his pants showing his lack of testicles. "She made me do this to myself.
She made me do it! Look at this, look at this shit," he screamed as he grabbed this reporter's face and repeatedly
smashed it into his stumpy groin.
When it was brought to the attention of the programming team, they cited an error in sending Mr. Fillander the
wrong version. "You see," said Eric Von Hoffenvon of the marketing team, "we have many different versions of
Rachel for the world market. We had accidentally sent Mr. Fillander our British Rachel, who's sole mission, like
all British women, is to emasculate the British male."
"We had intended on sending to Texas our MidWest American Rachel, who's supposed to be bossed around and
ignored and like it." She is also, according to graphic designer Fenwick LaTouche, look like a small Texan boy, to
better ease her into that market. "Obviously," says the limp wristed fag, "no one looked at the screen to see which
version we sent to Texas. That poor poor man," continued the pederast fag, "I dunno how it could've happened."
Also slated for the world market are Chinese Rachel who already comes pregnant, Indian Rachel who comes
complete with blueprints for a 7-11, Iranian Rachel whose screen is black and is not allowed to run on a computer
at all, and New York Rachel who will become your common law program, divorce you and take all your money.
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