Microsoft Error Messages Abound
> WASHINGTON (Reuters) - An angry
> Internet service provider based in
> Canada said Microsoft Corp.'s new
> Windows 98 software appeared to
> suggest some of his customers should
> go elsewhere.
> The suggestion popped up in several
> error messages on the customers'
> computer screens, the pesky boxes that
> flash on to a screen when something is not quite right.
> "You might want to try selecting 'other Internet
> provider' from the list of
> Internet service providers," one of the messages said in
The browser went further to suggest "why don't you go fuck
yourself," as an error message when users tried to exit the Microsoft
browser. Apparently, a "glitch" in the OS's programming prompts the
rude message to display instead of the usual "are you sure you want to
exit?" When users tried to exit the program again, they complained of
repeated phone calls from a man named Gill Bates who taunted them,
called them names, and told them to "go ahead and buy a Mac, you fucking
ignorant bastard," before bursting out laughing.
Patricia Hackenoff of Petersburg NJ, reported a dramatic decrease in
her checking account following a complaint she had made to the former
Better Business Bureau, now the MS-BBB after a man by the name of Will
Gates acquired the non-profit organization. "I went to pay for some
tampons at the grocery store, when I realized I had no money left in my
account." Hackenoff went on to explain, "I was embarrassed and rather
distraught at that moment. I had to put the tampons back. I really
need to buy some tampons. I dunno what to do. Do you have any with
you? Please, for the love of God!"
John Wannanotbe of Drisdale, Nebraska registered a complaint
mentioning the error message "get a fucking job, hick" whenever he tried
to run non Microsoft games. "It works fine," says Wannanotbe, "when I
run MS-Flight simulator, but every time I try to run another game, it
calls me a 'damned pussy' and suggests I castrate myself."
Furthermore, Wannanotbe's dog was found the next morning decapitated
and floating in his hot tub. The words "try running this on a Mac,
bitch" where shaved into the dog's fur.
Reports of harsh treatment were registered across the country ever
since Windows 98 with the Microsoft browser were launched. Users with a
Pentium 200 and lower were treated to a rousing digitized chorus of "You
Fucking Pussy, Buy a Real Computer" when they tried to install the
"I called Microsoft Customer Service," said Anthony J. Rinaldi of
Burbank, Ca., "to ask them what the problem was. Customer Service
called me a faggot and hung up. They called back at 4 in the morning
that night," he continued, " screaming at me to kill myself." Rinaldi
changed his phone number, but was found dead the next morning, a
Macintosh bashed over his head and the numbers 9 and 8 shaved into his
pubic hair. A suicide note was found next to him. It stated, "I love
Windows 98, I love it more than life itself. I realized that I'm just a
worhtless pussy. I wish I were like Bill. No one from Microsoft was
A Microsoft representative at a press conference earlier this
afternoon denied the accusations that Microsoft was involved in any of
these "purely coincidental and random events," and went on to call
everyone there a "fucking pussy Mac using motherfucker." He then
dropped his khakis and urinated on the front row while laughing and
hideously screaming out, "pull deh strringh, pull deh strringh!"
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