> MINNEAPOLIS (AP) -- One of the
> nation's largest managed care
> companies found that its physicians
> routinely fail to give patients drugs
> and tests proven to work against
> conditions ranging from heart
> disease to diabetes.
> It found that many cardiologists failed to prescribe widely
> drugs such as beta blockers for heart attack survivors and ACE
> for chronic heart-failure patients. Current medical literature says
> drugs are essential in most cases to a patient's continued health.
The research results showed a growing trend of patient neglect in
American health care. Over the past 3 years, the number of deaths due
to inadequate health care have tripled. When faced with these numbers,
the health care managers have proposed a "healthy regimen of vitamins
and echynasia" to keep the population in good health. "We are tired,"
said Armando LeBlanc of US Healthcare, "of people constantly bitching
and moaning to us whenever these pussies 'don't feel so good.' We're
not standing for it anymore."
US Healthcare's popular HMO plan has been revamped to deal with the
new onslaught of customer complaints. "From now on," said LeBlanc,
"anyone who is sick can suck my dick. I have enough to fucking worry
about without having to decide if we have to pay for Joe fucking
Sixpack's chemotherapy. Croak the faggot," summed up LeBlanc, pounding
his fist on the podium.
As a matter of fact, a major part of a new legislation suggested by
major HMOs calls for the mandatory euthanasia of people who would
"probably die of their affliction, or of anything else at all within 20
years of the original diagnosis." Using national life expectancy
averages, the HMOs would call for the "extermination of anyone 58 and
over who files an insurance claim with [HMOs]."
"Old people bring us down," said John Fartalot of Ca. Blue Shield
HMO, "I mean not only do they wreak of Ben Gay and drive really fucking
slow, but they also cause a lot of expense on [HMOs'] part because of
their advanced age and incessant whining. These people really don't
need to live any longer anyway. In what possible way do they contribute
to society anymore? Fuck 'em."
Appalled, the American Association of Retired Persons fired back a
claim that HMOs are a travesty of health care and called for the
immediate removal of Fartalot from his post. Ca. Blue Shield defended
their spokesperson by randomly injecting 147 old diabetics with sugar
water. Ca. Blue Shield, and other HMOs banded together at a formal
press conference where they taunted the "half dead blue hairs" to "bring
that shit on," and to warn them of more sugar injections. They then
sealed off the room and filled it with seran gas.
"We ARE NOT advocating the systematic killing of old people as the
AARP has alleged," said Ralph Goerbbels of Pacific Health Care. "If
zhese people are sick, vee shooht be able to take care of zhem in zhe
nation's interest," including but not limited to "euzhenasia unt zhe
processing for zhe guvernment cheese."
Said LeBlanc in summation, "we can therefore dramatically reduce the
health care costs to the public, as long as they're not sick, and
provide a better benefits package for our staff."
Next News Story