> Clinton Urges Americans To Act On Y2K
> WASHINGTON (AllPolitics, July 14) -- Stressing the
> "pressing need
> for action" to solve the Year 2000 (Y2K) computer
> problem, President
> Bill Clinton announced Tuesday a new campaign to share
> and solutions for the coming crisis.
> The effort will include "Good Samaritan" legislation to
> guarantee that
> businesses sharing information about Y2K cannot be held
> liable if the
> information turns out to be inaccurate; a national
> campaign to promote
> partnership between industry groups and government
> agencies; and a job
> bank to help fill the need for programmers and
> information technology
The government has already begun its efforts to stem this potential
catastrophe by consulting with various software companies on resolutions
for America's small businesses. The first to offer overwhelming support
was Bill Gates of Microsoft.
"We here at Microsoft are intent on infiltrating, uhhum, helping the
government with this problem so that all the systems in the year 2000
are running Windows, er, uhm, running fine," mentioned Bill Gates at an
impromptu press conference yesterday. "We have pooled our finest
programming talent and have offered them to this cause, so that they
could help re-code the millions of lines of code that this country is
dependent upon to run properly. They are experienced, professional, and
will in no way re-write code to only run Windows software, not that we
would want them to in the first place, even though it would be very easy
for them to do it."
A task force of Apple programmers was sent to Washington from
Cupertino, Ca, the home base of Apple Computer, in response to Clinton's
initiative as well. Unfortunately, their plane was mysteriously
re-routed to Redmond Wa. by a "glitch" in the MS-Flight Traffic
Controller software installed on the Windows PC at the airport. The
plane had to make an emergency landing at the Redmond Microsoft
headquarters where, much to the horror of Microsoft's SWAT team,
everyone in the plane was found riddled with bullets.
"We're not quite sure how this happened," stated John
Imostcertainlydidit of the MS-SWAT team that recovered the plane, "we
were all aghast to find these poor people like that." When asked why
Microsoft responded with a fully armed SWAT rescue team to a commercial
civilian plane that had landed at their airstrip, Capt.
Imostcertainlydidit answered, "shut up, who the fuck are you?"
Some seem to think the black box recording would shed light on the
matter and when it was played back to Capt. Imostcertainlydidit, he
commented, "well, I most certainly can't ascertain what the plane's
flight crew is saying amongst all that static. They must have had
interference with the recorder after they landed."
An audio tape expert seem to suggest the background noise that
started after the plane made its emergency landing is not static, but
actually numerous sustained bursts of machine gun fire, seeming to
implicate Capt. Imostcertainlydidit and his men. The SWAT captain
rebutted the claim by saying, "listen you pissant bitch, I'll fucking
rip a hole in your throat and fuck your larynx," and then pushed the man
to the ground and put his boot on his neck.
"What happened here is a mystery," concluded Capt.
Imostcertainlydidit, "and will continue to be if any of you like your
Despite this catastrophe in Redmond, Microsoft's team of
programmers, their teeth softened like chewed chiclets after weeks of
constant Mountain Dew drinking during marathon programming sessions,
have come up with a program to solve the issue.
"We have found a way," declared CEO Bill Gates, "to solve the
problem of the Y2K. We have engineered software that will correct the
glitch and we intend on distributing it to all computer users and
businesses to make sure there are no problems come January 1st 2000 as
effectively as we can."
"The software patch," Gates continued, "will be the only way out for
corporations and users who have not addressed this problem yet." Among
the affect, it is estimated, are all agencies working with, for and
within the government, and 88% of the rest of the country. "The fix
will be conveniently bundled with Windows 2000 and will only cost
Gates then proceeded to let out a maniacal laugh while rubbing his
head and pissing in his pants.
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