Thalidomide Back Again

WARNING: If you suffer from any morals, scruples, or common decency,
please do not continue. Sorry. So very sorry. I'm a bad man.

> FDA gives restricted approval to thalidomide
> July 16, 1998
> Web posted at: 2:04 p.m. EDT (1804 GMT)
> Thalidomide, a drug that caused
> severe birth defects worldwide in the
> 1960s, was approved Thursday by the
> Food and Drug Administration to
> treat ENL (erythema nodosum
> leprosum), a painful skin condition
> associated with leprosy or Hansen's
> disease.
> The FDA said it is the most restricted approval they
> have ever given a
> drug.
> Under the restrictions, a doctor who prescribes the
> drug, a pharmacist
> who dispenses the drug, and the patient who takes it
> must be registered
> with the drug's maker, Celgene.
> Women who take thalidomide must be on two forms of birth
> control.
> Men must use a condom even if they have had a vasectomy.

The Association of Thalidomide Babies fired back demanding the drug
be taken off the market with or without restrictions. Hugh Webbedfoot
of the ATB said that it was unnecessary to have this drug back on the
market. Webbedfoot then announced, "there is a lot wrong with this.
There is nothing wrong with people with Thalidomide deformities, we are
just as personable and human as everyone else, but we do not want to
risk the hardships children with this abnormality will have to bear."
Webbedfoot called for a petition to be signed by members of the ATB
to block the FDA's decision. Out of the ATB's 1376 members, however,
only two had opposable digits, but turned out to be illiterate,
providing for a major setback in Webbedfoot's plan. "No one could hold
the damn pen," yelled Webbedfoot at yesterday's press conference, "how
the hell am I supposed to block the drug when my people have no fucking
Hugh Fisterdaly of the drug company Celgene (pronounced Pfizer),
present at the ATB's press conference, stepped up to the podium to
address the situation. Attempting to alleviate the stress of the
situation, Fisterdaly offered ATB members a token of friendship by
extending out his hand and slapping their malformed arms while chanting,
"yeah, slap me one baby" and "gimme a high one dude."
He began, "ok, ok, I'm sure Mr. Webbedfoot did not calculate for
that contingency. Let us address this once and for all. My company
does not want to cause problems, so they have sent me here to ask
whether the ATB believes the drug should be released or not. So, by a
show of hands, who is opposed? Come on, don't be shy." Utter silence
filled the conference room. "Aw, aw, awwe. So sorry. Well it seems to
be unanimous then, the drug is released."
Fisterdaly then quickly offered a consolation by saying, "we do not
want anymore unfortunate birth defects, so we are being as careful as we
could possibly be to make sure no pregnancies happen. But in reality,
we don't have to. It's not like users of this drug are any winners
either. Come on, they're fucking lepers. Can anyone here imagine
screwing a leper? They won't have sex with each other, come on, get
real, they're lepers. I'm not even convinced they have the parts left
for it."
He continued, "Believe me, we are as committed as the ATB in
preventing the birth of more freaks like you fucking people, so just
chill your flippers and deal."
When hit with a wall of boos and hisses, Fisterdaly replied, "what,
you gonna throw things at me," while taunting them by repeatedly
dropping his pen onto the podium and picking it up with his forefinger
and thumb. "Awe awe, awwwwwe."
Fisterdaly then left the room, locking the door behind him. "When
you can work the door knob, we'll take the drug off the market."
In a press release given to the press hours later, Celgene
(pronounced Pfizer) noted plans to cross mix the drug with Viagra.
Opponents of the idea proclaimed it, "a very bad idea," but Celgene
(pronounced Pfizer) maintained it would be "damned fucking funny if we

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