> (CNN) -- How hot is it? A sign at a
Houston car wash might say it
> "Who put Viagra in the thermometer?" But the heat wave
> broiling the
> United States from coast to coast -- especially in the
> Southwest -- is
> deadly serious.
> The hot, humid weather is blamed for at least 129 deaths
> in seven states.
> The 86 deaths reported in Texas include 47 illegal
> immigrants trying to
> enter the United States. Louisiana has reported at least
> 26 deaths,
> Oklahoma 13. California, Arizona, Missouri and
> Pennsylvania have
> reported one each.
The nationwide death toll continues to rise as does the temperature
across many states. "We blame the heat for a lot of these deaths," says
John Ames of the National Weather Bureau.
Frank Furter of Lubbock, Texas, was found caked in his own blood.
It is suspected the 105 degree temperature in his living room killed
him. The county coroner stated in his autopsy of Mr. Furter, "extreme
heat exhaustion aggravated an existing open gash in his neck, further
killing him." His wife, Lee Anne Rhymes Furter felt "it was so goddamn
hot, and Frank wouldn't turn on the AC, that I had to stab him in the
Additionally, a homeless man was found frozen solid in Juno, Alaska,
where temperatures have been soaring well above 18 degrees. Authorities
were baffled at first at the man's condition. Eskimo coroner Kutinto
Flesh reported his cause of death as "heat aggravated hypothermia."
In Fort Worth, Texas, mechanic Dill Buke was found dead in his own
shop, his head caved in. "We feel," says patron Omanu Jacku who was
present at the scene, "that the tremendous 78 degree weather caused Mr.
Buke's head to collapse under the weight of it's own sweat, sending
chunks of his brain splattering all over his tools, and had nothing to
do with the fact that he has been ripping me off and fucking with my
Jeep's transmission, keeping me here in a goddamn Motel 6 for a full
week where I've had to endure countless hours of an entire softball
league of horridly ugly teenage girls wank around in the room right
above mine as I desperately try to sleep so that I could get my fucking
Jeep out of this God forsaken town and into my new apartment in Los
Texas coroner, Billy Bob Thornton backs up Buke's assertion, "yup,
he's got a point. Ya gonna eat yer french fried potaters?"
Not far from Mr. Buke's transmission shop, a softball team of ugly
teenage girls was found in their Motel 6 room tied up and suffocated in
plastic bags. Dr. Thornton reported, "these little girls must have
tried to cool themselves off by tying each other up and putting baggies
over their heads. It was 78 outside and their AC wasn't running all
that well. Poor bitches, but just to make sure, I wanna do another
thorough investigation of their supple little bodies in my lab tonight.
It'll take me all night, but I'll get through em all."
Dr. Thornton then ran out of the press room so excited that he was
"ejaculating through his pants," as witnessed by Dan Rather, who was so
shook up by the event that he downed a bottle of Viagra and started dry
humping his chair. According to Maria Shriver, reporting for Dateline
NBC, "it was amazing, I've never seen such a thing," she said, "I've
never wanted to be a chair so bad in my life," she summed up, stroking
her eyebrows vigorously.
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