Text of clinton's Statement
Yesterday, I watched in horror as my president admitted to getting a
blow job. I am appalled by this and can only say that if I were in his
place the transcript of that speech would have read:
This afternoon in this room, from this chair, I testified before the
Office of Independent Counsel and the grand jury. I answered their
questions truthfully, including questions about my private life,
questions no American citizen would ever want to answer. And since I am
the leader of this country, since I have been chosen by the masses to
lead them to a fruitful and plentiful life, I have decided to have Ken
Starr publicly depants, beaten with a cudgel, and then eviscerated in a
public forum on television's ESPN2.
Furthermore, I am as of this minute instituting martial law to make
sure no American ever has to answer these types of questions again.
It's disgraceful that the President of the United States of America
can't even get his fucking dick sucked by some tramp intern, who by the
way came into this job bragging that she would "earn her Presidential
knee pads," which just between you and me she most certainly did.
I am certainly upset that this has caused my wife and daughter
grief, and that is why I have decided to stow them both away in the top
of the Washington monument. There, they will be taken care of. As for
Monica Lewinski, she has been assigned another Washington job, her
office being under my desk.
Furthermore, I have decided to repeal the constitution and expel all
states south of Delaware, east of New Jersey, and west of California.
As we speak, our armed forces are invading Canada and are prepared to
pave the entire region to make way for adequate parking. Mexico will be
burned down to the ground and left to rot.
I have dispatched messages to President Yeltsin and that fucking
Chinese guy, daring them to try to get a piece of me, both attached to
the heads of their respective diplomats. The middle east has already
been nuked, and Africa, by authority of the new US regime, has been
bought out by Disney for their new amusement park, "Life the Way it Used
The new US regime will be governed by the following New US
1. Do what I say or I will have you killed horribly, asshole.
The police and armed forces have been given full authority to shoot
anyone who pisses them off and all people who fail to signal lane
changes and don't let you make a left turn when the light is yellow.
Tomorrow morning will begin a weekly national lottery to see which
family gives me their virgin daughter. She will be taken from the
family and tied to a giant rock whereupon I will release the Kraaken to
come from the sea and bring her to me for some damn fine fellatin'.
Furthermore, the cable channel Lifetime will be banned and Yo MTV
Raps and everyone associated with it will disappear. Ally McBeal will
be replaced by reruns of Dream On, and Kate Moss will be forced to gain
weight after which she will be brought to me for some damn fine
And finally all children born from this moment on will be named
We have important work to do - real opportunities to seize, real
to solve, real security matters to face.
And so tonight, I ask you to turn away from the spectacle of the
months, to repair the fabric of our national discourse, and to return
attention to all the challenges and all the promise of the next American
Thank you for watching. And good night.
Dariush, President New USA
Welcome to the jungle baby.
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