China Declares War
> BEIJING (Reuters) - China has trained
an army of 10,000 chickens
> to wage war on locusts in northwestern Xinjiang, Xinhua news agency
> reported on Tuesday.
> The chickens, backed by tens of thousands of starlings, were
> called in after attacks by humans and aircraft failed to eradicate swarms
> of the hungry insects that had infested grasslands, housing complexes and
> offices, the agency said.
> "The chickens undergo a special 60-day training program shortly
> after birth," the report said.
Dr. Ling Ling Yung Guy, head of the special Chinese Chicken Training
program said, "we ah velly ploud of ouw chicken sordiers. They wirr be
abre to eladicate the swahms of tellible rocusts that ah destloying ouh
The locusts which have been plaguing the farmlands of China this past
year have caused havoc on the Chinese export economy. Rice exports,
most hard hit by the plague, has been a major financial staple for the
Chinese. Scrambling to offset the economic loss, the Chinese government
stepped up other exports to compensate for the lag while a more
permanent solution was being found.
"We have had to step up other exporting efforts," announced Xing Xao
Xhing Xhow Hooah Hooah Fiesta, Chairman of the Chinese Export Economy
Board. "We have had to more than double our export of black market body
organs and mail order brides to make up for the losses we have incurred
because of this plague. We are at a point were we need to consider and
put into action extreme measures to insure the survival of our economy.
Therefore I personally approved this plan."
"Ruckirry," says Major Lee Hung Well of the Chinese Military, "we have
many many chicken to use to herp us kirrr rocust. Instead make Kung Pao
with chicken, we make a sordier with chicken."
Major Well's struck on the idea of training these chickens to seek out
and eat the ravaging locusts of the Chinese farmland while leading a
training excercise for his Chinese Special Forces. "We make our sordier
run a naked through chicken coop whire he covered in food for chicken.
This teach young sordier to be tough rike John Wayne. Then I think, 'ah
sirry sirry me, why not have chicken attack rocust?'"
Major Well's initial plan called for the constant feeding of Viagra
(pronounced hard-on at your own risk) to 10,000 of the nation's fastest
roosters and let them loose on the locust swarms. However, upoon
further consideration, Major Well's plan was modified to have the
chickens starved for a period and then let them feast on the locusts.
"I stirr berieve strongry that my originar pran of getting chicken
horny wourd work better than hungrry. Chicken wourd be more effective
fucking rocust than eating rocust. Then rocust think, 'oh no, chicken
fucking me,' and be verry verry upset before dying and then future
rocust would think twice before eating Chinese farm-a-rand again."
"After the rocust is kirred by our chicken, we pran to use farm animal
more in combat. I have begun prans to train cows as barracades to brock
burret for our sordier, horse to carry weapon for sordier and pig to
shit on enemy sordier when he not looking."
"Soon I hope to attack Japan with freet of makarerr and a mirrions of
"Of course we stirr pran to use our dog for sordier food as werr as
take out, and use sheep to make up for arr our women we send for mair
Next News Story