Gary Coleman Woes

>From CNN site:
>
> LOS ANGELES (CNN) -- Former
> "Diff'rent Strokes" star Gary
> Coleman entered a not guilty plea
> Tuesday to misdemeanor assault and
> battery charges filed after he
> allegedly punched an
> autograph-seeking woman.
>
> Coleman, 30, whose acting career
> declined after the hit 1978-86 TV show and who now works as a
mall
> security guard, was not in court.
>
> Tracy Fields, a Metropolitan Transportation Authority driver,
said
> that on July 30 Coleman agreed to sign an autograph when she
saw
> him in a uniform store, but became angry when she asked him to
> personalize it for her.

Apparently, Fields had harassed Coleman and was condescending
to him
and that [Coleman] felt that "retaliation was in order to preserve [his]
manhood," according to his lawyer, Pugnacious Asshole. "My client is a
deeply talented man and is in a state of artistic vulnerability and was
plainly attacked verbally by Fields."
Coleman, on a surprise phone interview commented with this
reporter,
said "what you talkin' about," in regard to the attack.
Fields, found for comment lounging outside the courthouse
sporting a
new leather attaché filled with headshots of herself, responded, "all I
did was ask that little, tiny man if he wouldn't mind being a 'little
darling cutie little man' and signing an autograph for my eight year old
son, who I told little Gary was about the same size and build and
probably had the same sized little kiddy pecker that I mentioned
[Coleman] mustta had. I am not in this for the fame. By the way, that
will be the title of my autobiographical film starring Judd Hirsch, Julia
Ormand and Shaq."
"So, the the little fucker hauled off and swung at me. If I
hadn't been
bent over and kneeling down right next to him, his tiny little hand
would've missed my [big fat] head."
Coleman responded in the papers with the public statement, "what
you
talkin' about?"

Coleman's lawyer defended his client's integrity last night at a
press
conference where he showed pictures of Coleman's tiny penis and
mentioned
that "it wasn't all that small as Fields had made it out to be," that
"for a man of Coleman's stature, it is about the right size, you know
for a little little guy like that" and that "size doesn't matter anyway,
and little cutie honey Gary knows that and is ok with it," but that he
was "nonetheless disturbed and incensed by the accusation," so much so
that "he flew into an epileptic rage and his arm swung around
sporadically." Asshole claims that Fields "stepped into the epileptic
fit
hoping for a chance at a lawsuit."
Dan Rather, the leading correspondent at Coleman's press
conference was
aghast at the photographs and took it upon himself to urinate publicly
on Coleman while screaming out, "look at my cock, look at my cock!"
Rather then jumped Coleman brandishing a bottle of Viagra and a
wet banana and began humping the tiny man. Coleman cried out "what you
talkin' about?" till his heart failed him and he imploded. Rather was
quoted as saying, "now that's some good screwin'."

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