Rushdie, Freedom!

> Rushdie, Relieved, Says ``It Looks Like It Is Over''
>
> By Mike Peacock
>
> LONDON (Reuters) - Author Salman Rushdie hailed his ''freedom'' Thursday as
Iran gave assurances about his safety almost 10 years after religious leader
Ayatollah
> Ruhollah Khomeini pronounced a death sentence on him.
>
> ``Well, it looks like it is over,'' a visibly relieved Rushdie told Sky
Television outside the Foreign Office after a briefing from government minister
Derek Fatchett. ``It means
> everything, it means freedom.''

Khameed Jebibble, of the Iranian government's the Islamic Coalition to
Kill Salmon Rushdie, said last week in a broadcast to the BBC that
"Rushdie [was] free of [his] death sentence," that "[he] need no longer
worry about the imposing contract," that had been taken out on him for
his book Satanic Verses, and that "[he] should feel completely free to
come outside and walk around and be outside, out of hiding, out in the
fresh air, out in the lovely outdoors for a clear shot, er, clear day
out in the open, er sun."
Rushdie, naturally overjoyed to hear the news of having to hide out for
the past ten years at his mother's house, had this to say, "thank God, I
say, thank God! It hasn't been all that smashing have to be in hide out
because of the tremendous controversy my acclaimed book Satanic Verses
now in paperback has aroused. I have a rough way with it lately, and
I'm relieved to know that I am no longer in danger, that I may lay my
thoughts to my next book."
His mother, also overjoyed at the news offered this, "well it's about
bloody time that little fucker left my house. Damn near ten years I've
been picking up after him, crowding my house being all cocky, 'ooh I got
Iranians after me, oh no," it's about time you got over it, you little
wanker. Ever since he whimpered out of my womb, I knew he would be a
little pansy wanker. He's not even a very good writer. I mean I'm not
one of them towel heads or anything, but I don't see what the fuss was
about."
Rushdie, since then, has reported several events to the Iranian Consul
of the Islamic Coalition to Kill Salmon Rushdie that warrant his alarm.
On one such occasion, several small objects seemed to whiz past
Rushdie's head as he walked home from the fresh food market in his
Manchester neighborhood. "I do believe they were bullets," said
Rushdie, also noting that there was nothing that he saw that would
warrant such an accusation, except for the four small men that had begun
to follow him the previous day. "I'm not sure who these people are,"
admitted Rushdie, "and I didn't want to be rude and ask, but they seemed
to follow me everywhere I went, except for when they stopped five times
a day to kneel down, each in the same direction, for a short break or
prayer or humus or something. And every time I try to think of a clue
as to who these people are, I keep getting interrupted by the rattle of
their foreign chatter as they spoke almost Arabaically into walkie
talkies. It was quite unnerving, especially when they would suddenly
start screaming out 'lulululululululu.'"
"Several times I have found my car's hood to have been left open and I
am always finding kitchen appliances left plugged in on the floor of my
shower, and come to think of it, there has been an awful lot of open
cans of Coke in the house lately with half glued Post-Its saying 'Enjoy
this Coke, Sal' and 'This Coke is free,' and 'For my Bestest Friend,' on
them."
"And it all seems to have started when those little men started to
follow me after I came out of hiding."
Khollahdalettuce Rashidashanayatwain, chairman of the Islamic
Foundation for the Purpose of Lying to Salmon Rushdie Because We Still
Want to Kill Him, replied that there was no need to worry, that the
death curse had been lifted and he could "go on without a single thought
to his own safety, er, he shouldn't worry about when it, er, something
will, er might happened to him. There is no worries, Mr. Rushdie, I
assure you. I am sure these are merely autograph seekers who are too
timid and embarrassed to ask such a great and revered author for his
signature, and that they're merely trying to summon the courage to kill
you, er ask you."

Rushdie, pleased, returned to his new daily routine outdoors.

Yesterday morning a full two weeks after the news originally broke,
Rushdie on his way to the local grocery for the first time in 10 years,
died shot 48 times by a group of small Iranian men dressed like
cantaloupes.

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