The Ex-Files


You honestly thought Frodo could take care of a woman as complex and deep as Cate?  Yeah, where you been livin' at?  This is a still from when Cate and me were in Lord of the Rings, I played Kooshie the Superflous Elf.  Unfortunately, the love scene between Cate and I got cut, you know with that whole PG-13 thing they can't be showin' me getting jiggy.  So when our scene's over, Cate's all, I've never met anyone like you and before long, we're at the mini golf course puttin the windmill holding hands.  What happened to Gwyn?  Gwyn who!

This was taken at this party, man I forget where, but we hooked up with Giovanni Ribissi and this feather scarf chick, and things were real cool that night, got some dinner and a little karaoke going.  But thing is, when Cate was up there karaoke-ing "Little Red Corvette," Giovanni was getting all up in my space.  Started easy enough, but he gets all up in my air space and tries to get all rubby up against me an' I'm all "Gi, step down the Def Con," and he's all "yeah, man, it's cool," but I could the disappointment in his eyes.  SO Cate comes back and she's all "how was I up there," and I'm all "listen I can't always be paying my attention to you, you know, I don't want us gettin' off on the wrong foot with you specting me to be all up about you an' shit."  She was all cool about and sat back down andsipped on her drink, and I felt real bad and all, cause it's Cate, you know?  And I snuggled up next to her and whispered some sweet babies in her ear and she was all good with that, and then outta nowhere Giovanni gets his foot up on my lap and starts rubbin' all over the place and I'm all throwing my drink in his face, "back that shit into the garage, man, is your name Cate?"  So that was a downer, but luckily Cate and I split from the Gi and that chick and headed on over to Del Taco for some burritos.

We're hangin out in her B-room, I'm playing some Grand Theft Auto III, just beat the hell outta some old lady and took her car and run over me a few cops, and out of no where Cate speaks up between her handfuls of peanuts and says, "Koosh, I've never seen anyone this brimming with fury before.  The way you play this game, I'm, I'm, I'm just crazy about you."  I didn't know what to think, so I finished out ramming some sap's station wagon with that old lady's Gremlin and told around to see what's up.  Cate was in tears, and I was feeling a bit nervous.  After things went the way they did with Gwyn, I didn't know what to think.  I just knew I could end up sitting by myself handcuffed to a motel bedpost covered in honey again.  Gwyn may have taken me down that road, and left with no word, but I knew the signs.  Cate saw my apprehension, and she softly put her hand on my cheek, after wiping the peanut salt off it first, and through her tears whispered that she was nuts about me, and she could never leave me alone, covered in honey like Gwyn had.  I gave her a kiss and realised this was the first time we kissed.  This could be something special I thought, but I still decided to keep the jar of honey locked away with the cuffs in the trunk of the car.  The two of us kissed sweetly a little bite more and went out and to the KFC and got some chicken.