The Ex-Files


I'm not sure how Gwyn roped me into doing this movie with her.  She was a little tentative about working with DeNiro, ever since his little motorcycle accident, so she got the producers to dump him for me.  It was ok, I guess, learning all those lines.  Gwyn got to be nude here and there in the movie, which is always plus, but she had that Ethan dork all over her in the flick.  That just ticked me off a whole bunch, so I went up to him and I was all, "yo, Eeeth, why don't you just step off my XX and get your own estrogen," and he was so embarrased.  He was like, "Koosh, I'd never dream of it, man," and he was all blushing and all, "listen, I want you to know, I'm gay."  I took a step back, cause you know, I didn't want nuthin' to happen tween the gay man and me, and I was all, "Ethan Hawke is gay?"  And he was all, "sista, yeah, I'm gay, gay as the day is long gay.  The kind of gay you put in a little velvet bag with a cute drawstring on it, and take to the bank kind of gay.  The gay bank!"  And I was all shocked, "you're a customer at the Gay Bank," and he's all, "shit sista, I'm a teller at the gay bank is how gay I am.  I'm so gay I go all the way around to being straight and then I go further into being gay again!"  And I was all "there's nothing wrong with that, I'm cool with it Eeeth, it's all good," as I put my hands up and backed out of the room slowly.  I saw him look at my crotch, I know I did.  I can't says that I blame him, though. 

Here's a newspaper snapshot of Gwyn and me I clipped from the paper.  We had just gotten to Catalina Island with Richard Greco on his private boat "The Greconator."  On the way there, I noticed a little bit of a flirtation between Richard--who I admit is quite dashing--and my girl Gwyn.  I was a little flummoxed at the situation, but I decided to shrug it off and not drop Richard off his wack ass boat and watch the fish nibble him to death.  Later though, an hour after this picture was taken, I found her and Greco talking in hushed whispers at the ATM in the lobby of the hotel.  I confronted her at the pizzeria later that afternoon, but she shrugged it off as if it was nothing, but I was so purple with rage I coulda fucked some shit up.  I decided to go over to the docks after Gwyn had gone to sleep and put a pit viper in The Greconator to see how he likes them granny smiths.  Talking all hushed whispers n' shit to my XX chromosomes.  What's he thinking?  I bet he'll have a bit of a 21 Jump Street when he snuggles in for the night on his boat!  Richard?  Greconated!

Gwyn was so pleased to win at the Oscars, though I really think it was slim pickins that year.  I thought Shakespeare in Love was totally hyped up, and I told Gwyn that and she was all "pfffffffffffft," at me, so I dropped it.  I mean it's good Gwyn got the Oscar, it made for a pretty racey night after the parties n' shit, when Gwyn somehow managed to dislocate my shoulder and bruise my ankles by the next morning.  Anyway, she's all, "Koosh check it, I'm all Oscar winner," and I was all, "Gwym, babe, I'm gonna get with ya n' all later, but I gotta tell ya, I was crossing my fingers for Fernanda Montenegro.  But then I saw Judi Dench watching her gimme a peck on the cheek in this photo, and that just got all are juices flowing and we ended up taking her back to the hotel room for a little Mrs. Browne, if you know what I mean.

Gwyn and me at the Golden Globes this past year.  She had a really nice dress on that I picked out for her this one Sunday afternoon.  We had a hell of an argument when she picked out these god awful shoes to go with he gown.  I told her they made her stringy toes look all nasty and shit, and she was all like, "Koosh, you know how delicate I am, how can you blurt something out like that?" to which I was all, "Like, why don't you make like a Golden Globe winning actor and act like you're not so delicate and get another pair of shoes to hide your ugly toes?" and she was all, "Pshhht!"  I hate it when she got all bitchy like that, but these things you put up with.  To a point!

Gwyn and I on a trip to London, where we met the queen and snickered at her gay handbag behind her back.  That was a great trip, but on the way back Gwyn asked me to put, like a pound and a half of heroin in my rectum to take back to the US for her, and I was all, "Gwyn you know my rectum can't hold that much, even though I look utterly huge standing next to you," and she got all pissy with me, "You never mule for me, what is it with you?  Brad Pitt always did, and believe me he could hold a lot in his rectum!" and I was all, "Pshhhhhht!"  I hate it when she brought up Brad.  Damn his cavernous rectum!

This was an absolutely wonderful night that we both needed to get our relationship back on track.  Gwyn and I got trashed at the Hollywood Thai food restaurant karaoke bar "Pad See Sing."  Here's us singing "I Did It My Way."  After that, we drove to my place, well, she drove, Gwyn always did like driving better when she was hammered, picked it up from Brad I guess.  Anyway we got back to my place, and she was all, "Koosh I'm too tired to drunk drive home, can I stay here and snuggle with you?"  And I was all, "Sure thing sweet baby, I'll hold you till the morning comes and kisses us softly on the cheeks to wake us up."  And then we had the best hair pulling, eye gouging, kidney punching sex you could ever think of.  Mmmmm, Gwyn.

Gwyn and me at the Umberto Conswella Cuidado Malt Shoppe in Rio.  Between the infamous South American water and the lactose intolerance from this huge shake, the two of us were like melting chocolate Easter bunnies caught up in a Mississippi flood.  Well, back at the Fernando Arms Hotel, Gwyn totally hogged the bathroom, so I ended up having to go outside, which got me arrested and detained at the local Rape 'Em and Jail 'Em Prison.  So, Gwyn bails me out 3 days later, and what's the first thing she asks me for (after the nut wrenching sex we've become accustomed to)?  "Koosh, could you mule this two pound brick of H for me?"  And I'm all, "Well shit, thanks to the denizens of the South American jail I just spent 3 nights in, I can jam 6 pounds of heroin up in there, pookems!"  Brad could never fit 6 pounds. Bwahahahaha!  You can toss my salad, Brad!

More to Come for Gwyn and me...